A New Limbo

Trying to find my footing between fun and responsibility, between old friends and new friends, between what’s right and what’s wrong. I love my kids. I even like taking care of people from time to time. I like the way we live our life as a family. I couldn’t have found a better match or a better person than the man I married. I’m proud of certain personal accomplishments I’ve had over the past couple of years. However, there are some things that are not quite right that I know can mostly be worked out. It’s just that at this point, not having the slightest clue as to what it looks like over this hump feels like I have sand in my pants or that I’m wearing a wool sweater 24/7. Let’s just say, it’s uncomfortable. Here’s what I wish: I wish I had a good relationship with my parents. I wish my mom wasn’t so controlling and angry. I wish my dad cared more than he does. I wish I was able to remember more often that I can only change myself and not others. I wish that I had more love in my life. I wish I had more grown-up fun in my life. Jeff said something funny to me the other day and it really put things into perspective, at least at that moment. He said something like…”Let’s assume for a minute that there is a God. And if there is, he’s throwing his hands up in the air saying ‘Hey, you guys wanted some company, so I set up you up with your perfect match and now you’re telling me it’s not enough? Now you want more friends?’ I laughed so hard because it’s true!  But we’ve determined that we do need friends, at least a few. I want to be able to do fun things with friends again. I want a friend that I have chemistry with. I want a friend that wants to do more than just sit around and drink cocktails. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wish I could afford a six pack right now but that's not all I want to do. So far I found one. She fits the bill quite well. I didn’t even see her coming either. On the other hand, there are people in my past that I would like to reconnect with but I don’t know if that ever works. Either they aren’t interested anymore or we just don’t have enough in common to make a new connection. I also don’t want Jeff to think that I’m going to regress into the immature, selfish, self-destructive state that I was in before we hooked up if I hang out with some old crew. I don’t want that either. I guess I kinda want something in between. But what the hell does that look like? Ugh! Hey you, could you just hold this thread as I walk away? Thanks buddy. And when the time is right, I’m ready to be pro-active in the world. I want to carve out a fucking name for myself. Make my mark, ya know what I mean? I don’t want to just be this kid’s mom or this professor’s wife or somebody’s crazy ex-girlfriend/sister/daughter. You get it, I’m sure. I suppose most of all, I just need more hours in the day. More hours to be, do, and reflect.