Being married to Jeff is annoying in a really good way. Meeting him (again) at the specific time that I did was a very fortunate coincidence. I've referred to it as destiny on more than a few occasions just because love should be sparkly sometimes...ya know? I've just been floating along naively, without any real guidance, or inspiration for all of my life. Well, I guess that's not entirely true. I mean, my mother did influence me in alot of ways and my dad too, a little. However, I tend to disregard the effects of that influence considering how I am on a continuous mission to unlearn said influence and retrain my thought process with the objective of general fulfillment and happiness. And yes, that means that I have generally not been happy for large chunks of my life. Jeff has, since day one, continued to shed light on many mistakes I make cognitively and behaviorally. Not from a psychological perspective but from a philosophical one. He forces me to analyze myself constantly. This is where the annoying part comes in. The inexplicably phenomenal part is that I'm slowly figuring things out... and then it's exciting...and then, I feel overwhelming love and gratitude for this person. This is his drug. This is the drug that he possesses that hooks me and perpetuates my addiction for him. Everyone's got one. Everyone's got their own unique drug that makes certain individuals succumb to them. Sometimes you get hooked on a dangerous intangible essence (sometimes very tangible) that does nothing but push your face in the toilet and flush it over and over again. I've been there too. And that is why I am so SO lucky to have fallen under Jeff's spell. He does not slip me happy pills. He slips me the list of ingredients to create my own.
Which brings me to my most recent discovery. I am a drama queen!! I know?! Who would have guessed that?! But seriously, I kinda knew that before but I always rationalized it, ironically, by telling myself that I was justified in these emotional expressions. The thing is, I'm only now just realizing how MUCH I do it. It consists of a lot of over-exaggerations in my casual language. And I'm catching it after the fact right now but I hope to catch myself earlier as I start recognizing it more and more. It's quite embarrassing to tell you the truth. Especially when I think about how overly dramatic I've been in the past, thus inflicting upon myself unnecessary grief and huge regret. I had always described myself as "passionate." I thought of this as a virtue even. I thought it meant that I was romantic and poetic. LMAO! Why am I beginning to see things more realistically now? I don't really know. But realizing how much creative control you have over your life just by consciously responding to things differently, analyzing them in a more positive light, changing your internal dialogue to something more beneficial to your peace of mind gives the gifts of great power and liberation. And to feel even a small sense of that in my current situation is essential for survival.
