Visualizing Victory

My life was in constant turmoil from age 19 to age 28. That’s probably a fairly typical description of most young adults’ lives, and I know that my personal experience was both more difficult and easier than others depending on who you talk to (I say this to acknowledge the relativity of my experience, but from this point I will only speak about my own feelings).  During that time, I blew around like paper in the wind. I worked at around 25 different jobs. I moved around 30 times. I drank a lot.  I fell in love thrice…which made me smile a lot, dream a lot, and cry and scream a lot. I gave birth to two babies during that time period and also didn’t give birth to two babies. And in between the babies, I even got married. I was engaged once, before my husband proposed, and desperately wanted to marry a different someone for 6 long years in between the two engagements. I’d call that tumultuous, wouldn’t you?!   I finally took the reins of my own life and it was because of three people: one to exhaust my love and faith, and reservoir of sanity, one to tell me I was a lost cause, and one to believe in my redemption whole-heartedly. And as much as it hurt, and still hurts to this day, that I had to decide to stop pursuing what I was pursuing and change directions, it was the right choice and it proved to be the most utilitarian choice. I am generally happy and fulfilled. That didn’t seem to be in the cards for me towards the end of that near decade. Now, I feel a great sense of love and security and meaning and so do my children. However, I’m still haunted by my former life. I have regular “what if” dreams. I mourn the loss of tragic love, of drunken debauchery, of carelessness and care-freeness. I feel out of place in the sanity of my life. But I go on. I don’t fuck it up. I constantly choose to not regress. Does that mean I’m still in a stage of cognitive dissonance? And if so, when will I finally, truly identify with goodness and sanity? How many more books, and yoga sessions, and coffee talks, and philosophy classes, and acts of love, and self-discipline, and olive branches will it take for the cycle to complete itself?

Feminine Justice

I have a strong desire to say fuck gender norms all together.

Jeff likes to run down the postgame highlights upon returning from teaching class and I like to listen. As of late, I’ve been feeling more and more enlightened about how deep-seated the social construction of gender is. How disturbing it feels to realize that you’re subconscious has been manipulated so thoroughly that you live in a social and psychological prison…all because you were born a girl in Western society. Then, I happen upon Nancy Tuana’s book Woman and the History of Philosophy at the library and it further unravels the wool.

Jeff never shuts up about really interesting (and usually important) shit and that’s one reason I like him. He gets the gears turning in my head. So, now I’m really inspired to stop worrying entirely about the beauty standards I’m supposed to uphold.  I want to embrace the freedom that I technically have to opt out. If I like the idea of chopping my hair off until only a few inches remain, I should do it. If I want to wear an oversized t-shirt and sweatpants one day because I’m on my period and all I want to be is comfortable, I should. If I feel like big tall boots, a ruffly skirt and a chopped up band tee, that’s my prerogative.  Then again, if I want to wear on over-sized t-shirt and sweatpants EVERYday, I should allow myself to be comfortable.

My husband is convincing me that I should not feel pressured to conform and should not be burdened with constantly looking a particular way for someone other than myself. But the irony is, it is my husband whom I mainly dress up for and yes, others, but their opinions mean far less to me.  It is my husband whose gaze I worry about losing. I feel like I have to compete with a plethora of young female students every semester wearing coochie-cutter shorts and boobie shirts to school with the bodies to justify it. They haven’t had any kids yet, they’ve never breast-fed, and they have no “fine lines,” only perfect curves in all the right places. And no, I’m not overstating.  I witness it every Monday and Wednesday as a student myself. Not all of them, but a good number. And that’s enough to make wifey think twicey about letting go of long hair, make-up, and sexy clothing. Taking my personal history into account, I will likely continue to be emboldened, so I think I can safely predict a leap to total freedom. Lest we forget: I am rebelliously inclined.

Not Demanding Perfection (My Current Experience As an Unschooling Parent)

What is it like to Unschool 3 kids when you struggle with mild chronic depression and ever-increasing levels of anxiety? It’s difficult. I question everything. Okay, so I happen to find questioning a virtue but sometimes it can drive me even madder. Although I question and doubt and worry about my energy level affecting them negatively, I always soothe myself by repeating the mantra I adopted from Holt, “They’re still better off here than they are at school.” Honestly, there are many things that can be improved upon, but I can only do what I can do. I’m not mentally, emotionally or physically capable of shuttling 3 kids from here to there and everywhere like some moms I know. We don’t have the money to put the kids in homeschool a la carte classes. I mean I’d take them to a class or two a week. I have before when we had a little more money, but the reality is, they’re happy and they’re developing their creativity beautifully everyday that goes by. They are learning to be self-sufficient critical thinkers. They’re picking up solid morals. When we participate in social actions together, when we help a friend, when we help a family stranded on the side of the road, when Jeff and I won’t stand for treating our fellow family members unfairly or unkindly in even the smallest way……when we actively reaccess our own behaviors and decide to let peace and love rule, when we let them hear and see controlled conflicts and how they are resolved, we are teaching them the most important knowledge they need to become good people. Many months ago, when I told an old friend that I didn’t care for standardized tests, she asked me, “Aren’t you curious to know whether they’re learning on the same level as schooled children are?” No, not really. It’s clear to me that they are much more knowledgeable about a lot of topics than traditionally schooled children are and there’s not a doubt in my mind that they would have trouble passing some arbitrary test on certain other topics. But I’m not the least bit worried…anymore. I used to be. But I’ve since evolved from that particular worrying. My children are bright and they love to learn. They are quite thirsty for knowledge and that’s right where they need to be. They don’t have a taste for certain things but that’s okay. We’ll keep introducing them to the least desirable stuff in subtle and creative ways, just like we do with food, in case their taste buds change. They’ll learn them when/if they want to and when /if they need to. I strongly believe that teaching them values, how to think critically, teaching them that they are loved and that they are wonderful people and that they can do amazing things with passion and practice…..is enough. It’s more than enough; it’s the key to happiness - theirs and the world’s.